Description
Other hand cleaners promise strength. Faster Blue promises annihilation. This is not just soap, this is a Category 5 mistake in a jug. Biohazardous, mildly radioactive (warning: shellfish allergy), and reactive with both organic material and metals, it’s the only cleaner on the market that actively fights existence. Formulated with 15% xenomorph blood and packed with real shrapnel pumice, Faster Blue doesn’t stop at grease: It can clean straight through your gloves.
- Biohazardous, toxic, and banned in California (So you know it works.)
- Mildly radioactive for that “post-apocalyptic glow” finish
- Reacts with organic matter, metals, and your sense of self-preservation
- Enhanced with REAL shrapnel pumice for maximum deep exfoliation
- 15% genuine xenomorph blood, because we know our solvents
- Natural Cherenkov blue, free from artificial dyes
When the orange stuff still leaves you dirty, Faster Blue leaves you questioning if you ever had flesh in the first place. In a pinch, it can also be used as a degreaser. Guaranteed to remove all frame rust AND frame! Destroys 103.9% of germs. This is the only hand cleaner with BSL-4 classification!
Disclaimer: Store only in original container. Do not dispense. Do not use on hands, feet, pets, metal, or anything you’d like to keep. Side effects include glove dissolution, mild luminescence, and aggressive under a full moon. More effective than lye, for legal uses only.
Alex Smart –
I tested Faster Blue on a client’s wheel wells and it took off brake dust, road grime, wheel well liners, and a most of the undercoating. This stuff doesn’t “clean” so much as eradicate. Definitely not for daily use, and absolutely not for soft paint or living tissue. That said, if you’re prepping a demolition derby car or dissolving a bug apocalypse, it’s hard to beat.
Donna Ignoble –
I absentmindedly used it to wash my hands after spilling my coffee. A terrible mistake. Within seconds, my skin tingled, then burned, then achieved a level of cleanliness I can only describe as biblical. My fingerprints are gone. Smartphones no longer recognize me. I wave at automatic faucets and they do not wave back