Description
When the darkness comes creeping across the highway, you don’t just warn other drivers, you declare your presence with the Patriot Pyro Flare 9000. This isn’t a flare. This is a star-spangled, liberty-blasting, tailpipe-burning beacon of freedom, engineered to make every passing motorist salute involuntarily, even if they don’t know why.
- Emits a pyrotechnic display so intense it can be seen from lower orbit
- Bursts in red, white, and blue just like the founding fathers intended
- Doubles as a one-man fireworks finale on the 4h of July, or any Tuesday
- Pull-ring ignition, with half-second fuse
- Up to 10 minutes of pure, unfiltered America, even if you break down in Canada
- Smells faintly of freedom, burnt marshmallows, and heroic ambition
Disclaimer: Disputably constitutionally protected. Do not ignite indoors, outdoors, or within 500 feet of oxygen, small dogs, law enforcement, dairy farms, municipal airports, or anyone with a weak unpatriotic heart. Patriot Pyro Flare 9000 is not recognized by the Department of Transportation, the Department of Defense, or the Department of Common Sense. Side effects may include sudden patriotism, hearing loss, involuntary shouting of “YEAH!”, and the strong desire to grill something. Consult your mechanic before use.
Clem –
Lit this bad boy up when my Buick quit on the highway, and half the county showed up thinkin’ it was the Fourth of July. Burns bright, burns hot, and don’t quit. Just be sure you aim it away from the gas tank, learned that the fun way.
Donna Ignoble –
A most visceral and unrefined tool, this flare achieves a brilliance reminiscent of a small sun having a tantrum. While undeniably effective in summoning roadside attention, I fear it may also summon local law enforcement, forest rangers, or even the National Guard. Handle with both caution and respect.